


why am i like this?

by Graypevyne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, Not Beta Read, Other, Sakusa has OCD, and projections, guys komori and sakusa are cousins stop shipping them, in a fic, more like my headcanons, sakusa is a germaphobe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graypevyne/pseuds/Graypevyne
Summary: I tried writing a Sakusa character study with all of my headcanons and projections thrown on top. This is how it turned out.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Sakusa Kiyoomi (Crush), Komori Motoya & Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 23





	why am i like this?

**Author's Note:**

> I need to start writing the chapters for my other fanfic but I keep thinking about this and I finally finished it lol, so here we are.

He doesn’t really know when it started. Maybe it started with his mother obsessed with his health because she didn’t want another child to die. Maybe it developed as an excuse for hating the touch of other people. He doesn’t really know.

He has to wash his hands five times.

One.

Two.

Three.

Fo-

“Kiyoomi! It’s time for school!”

Sakusa could just scream out of frustration.  _Do it again,_ His head tells him.  _Do it again. Do it again. Do it aga-_

He starts over.

-

It’s a precaution, the mask. The gloves. He doesn’t know when it started, only that he must continue, why can’t it _stop-_

“Sakusa?” The teacher asks him, reaching out to touch his shoulder to grab his attention.

Sakusa flinches violently away, jumping a few steps back. “Don’t touch me, please.”  _Remember your manners, Sakusa._ His mother’s voice plays in his head four more times.

_ She touched your shoulder, go wash five times to get the germs off.  She didn’t touch my shoulder.  _

_Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it._

He does it to stop the thoughts. He scratches at his head, pulls at his hair, he wants the thoughts to go  away , why can’t they  leave-

He learns, at the age of five, that he has OCD. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

-

Sakusa the germaphobe.

Sakusa, a teenager who looks at everyone like they’re disgusting.

It’s a front. Everything is a front.

He hates being a germaphobe. He wantsskinship, he burns with that want. He yearns for the touch of another while shying from it at the same time.

An endless back and forth is what his mind consists of. 

-

Sakusa is invited to the Japan All-Youth Training Camp.

His wardrobe consists of hoodies three sizes too big and cargo pants to hold his small-time cleaning supplies in. He looks down at his volleyball bag as he gets off the train. He hopes he didn’t forget to pack his scentless body wash and shampoo. 

_Let me just look through my things one more time so no one gets hurt-_

“Come on, Kiyoomi, we’ll be late if waste any more time!” Komori calls to him.

Sakusa startles, anxiety already starting to creep up on him, anxiety _that_ _something bad will happen, Komori, let me check my bag._

Komori sighs quietly before running back to his cousin. “We have to move, Kiyoomi, we have to start walking.”

Sakusa nods, flinching every time someone brushes past him. 

_He has to get the icky germs off, Komori might get an infection._

Sakusa hopes desperately that nobody notices anything at the training camp.

Sakusa rooms with Komori, who knows his habits and allows him to go through his rituals.

Clean the showerhead one, two, three, four, five times.

Clean the shower walls one, two, three, four, five times.

Strip the beds, make them up, strip the beds, make them up, strip the beds (just in case of mites).

Laundry.

Then fold, unfold, fold, unfold, fold all the linens.

Bring them back to the room, check the lock a few times more, just in case.

Nobody notices anything. They go with what Komori tells them.

-

When Sakusa first sees Akaashi Keiji at Nationals, he suddenly feels the butterflies everyone talks about.

_Oh,_ he thinks. _This is what that feeling is like._

He wants to feel it again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Don’t forget to take care of yourself! Drink some water !


End file.
